2023 FBA Season/23.04.1

Saturday, April 1
BAL	17
WIL	76	W


TEN	1027...?	W
TAL	1027...?	W


BGR	-0
ALB	-0


PIT	ϟϢϾ	W
LOR	ϬЋϡ	W


HNT	TBD	W
BLV	TBD	W


PLY	151
QNS	154	W


Previous Day	Next Day

Baltimore Spirits @ Williamsburg Minutemen

Game Notes

	Q1	Q2	Q3	Q4	F
Spirits	17	-	-	-	17
Minutemen	76	-	-	-	76

Officials: George Washington #1, Benjamin Franklin #0, Thomas Jefferson #3
Arena: Patriot Stadium - Williamsburg, VA

The so-called Bus Rivalry between the Baltimore Spirits and the Williamsburg Minutemen took a strange turn during the first quarter of the game when an actual bus drove into the arena and managed to find its way onto the court, stopping the play entirely.

The driver of the bus was none other than the Dakota Bikers' Xavier Saffiren, as the greyhound was apparently lost as he was trying to navigate his way back home in Sturgis, which was also interesting since the Bikers actually play in Sioux Falls. As he parked the bus right underneath the basketball net, he burst his way out of the bus dressed entirely in British Redcoat military garb and via loudspeaker, declared the Rival Bus to be a party bus and all the players were invited. All the players rose in cheer, with exception to Wendy Brown whom, in her own words, 'just want to ******* finish the ****** ******* ****** game'. But with the promise of more steak, she relented and joined the other players in the bus. As the bus drove away, the officials scratched their heads in bewilderment and declared the game to end at the first quarter with the final score of 17-76.

After Eliza Mae DuPont started complaining about too much Old Bay seasoning on her strawberry cheesecake that she brought along for the game and threatened to smack the mysterious perpetrator with a hammer to the knee (everyone suspected it was Saphira Kelly, including Saphira Kelly), the bus made its way across the street from the arena only to stop when Jack Baker accidentially dropped a tennis ball, provoking him to chase after it clear down the bus aisle to the front where he crossed the yellow safety line by the driver. Despite numerous angry demands for Jack to go back to his seat, HE STILL MANAGED TO KEEP UP HIS CHEERY POSITIVE OUTLOOK ON LIFE BECAUSE HE IS BEST BOY and finally sat back on his own seat. At least he got the tennis ball back, that's the most important thing.

The bus moved on, evading traffic and playing loud Skrillex music when they finally arrived at their destination: Ireland. The players of both teams immediately turned their heads to glare right at Mikaylah Marley, who apparently hacked into the bus' GPS system before the trip started. They would've stayed at Ireland for the remainder of the day but Clarity Immers and Henriette Tetreault departed the bus and everyone decided to just head back to the United States without them. By the time the bus finally arrived back at Williamsburg, a huge throng of reporters were waiting for them while singing a song:

"You and me and La'Tika! Come along and see what's new! We're doing the things that animals do! New animal friends to see, Animal Junction's the place to be, You and Me and La'Tika!!"

((JWolfman79))

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BAL 17, WIL 76

Tennessee Moonshiners @ Tallahassee Typhoons

Game Notes

	Q1	Q2	Q3	Q4	OT	F
Moonshiners	200	68	435	324	To Be	1027...?
Typhoons	190	362	232	243	Cont.	1027...?
Boxscore

Officials: Yamcha #4, Nappa #15, Cooler #77
Arena: Merrill Palace - Tallahassee, FL

What a perfectly average day of basketball we have today, folks.

The starting lineups emerge from their respective tunnels carrying their FBA-regulation dodgeballs as we prepare for the tip-off. Aurora Hopkins, regular starter, and Lady Black, regular goofball, step up, as they’re clearly the most qualified for this. The ball is released. THOOM! Oof, Aurora takes a pre-tipoff dodgeball to the face, and Lady scrambles away with the first possession.

The first quarter is relatively mundane, but boy, is it basketball, folks. The sounds of sneakers on the court, basketballs being dribbled, the grunts of taking a dodgeball full force in the stomach. Tallahassee takes an early lead through the quarter, but in the final moments, shot clock winding down, Apiatan Redmane makes a fancy no-look pass to where he usually expects Adge to be. The ball bounces out of bounds, forcing a turnover. Visibly distressed, Hildegard yells for Adge. Two ears pop out from behind the officials table, and a lone Easter egg rolls out from beneath it. We cannot report the words that follow from the Tallahassee coach, but we can paraphrase it as: “Now is not the time.”

The second quarter sees much more dodgeball action than the first, but Tennessee begins to eke out a small lead as Jean-Ferdinand Giroux-Krier Eenie-meenie-minnie-moe-catch-a-scottish-fold-by-the-toe III Esq. catches Kresta Renstill off-guard by hitting her with the special golden dodgeball, immediately making her a forward rather than a guard. Kevon Oakley attempts to give her pointers on her new position and manages to catch a dodgeball thrown by Lucas Berger-Kane, immediately putting the Bernese in the timeout seat. Lucas doesn’t appear happy by this.

The halftime snack break is catered by Rosalie Smoot, who has graciously brought cookies for the occasion, while Rodger Umaechi provides everyone with a hot cup of tea. Yep, tea. That’s what we’re going with.

The third quarter sees boring basketball points traded back and forth as teams make and block shots, whatever. We see our first attempt at an ejection from Tara Albins, who lobs her recently recovered dodgeball at resident sad boy, Luther Kierkegaard. But what’s this?! The ball gets stuck between Luther’s antlers. Tara is ejected instead! This is what basketball’s all about, folks. But Tallahassee isn’t done yet, as Carson Good takes up the basketball and moves for an amazing halfcourt shot. It seems too high to block, but to Carson’s dismay, Jukora Collins sneezes behind Arther Selby, who rockets into the air and takes the basketball to the face. Bold move, as faces are much better suited for dodgeballs. The shot blocked, Tennessee remains ahead, I think.

I’ve never seen a fourth quarter like this. At the behest of their coach, Gwen Hass and Harrison York have painted all the dodgeballs like basketballs. But what’s this?! Cassidy Whitelatch and Darion Baptiste seem to have had the same idea! Now there appear to be no less than eleven basketballs on the court! The teams have abandoned defense and are simply funneling “basketballs” into their respective opponent’s hoops. We may have our first four-digit score in FBA history! For both teams!

But what’s this what’s this?!?! Roy Bivens and Hjelä Weber seem to be changing things up! They’ve lodged several “basketballs” into either hoop, completely gunking up the scoring! The teams are locked at 1027-1027 with no way to break this tie! We’re going into overtime!

With no way to remove the dodge—brrrr basketballs, how will this tie be broken? With a duel, obviously!

Michael River steps onto the court with his natural, pointy, trichromatic hair. He slaps a duel disk onto his arm. Where did he even get that?!

But evil laughter rings out from the dark side of the darkened court. In the dark.

“You think you can defeat my team with your pathetic cards?”

Holy shit, it’s resident hyena-bunny--hyunny?...bnuuyena?—Miss Tetreault. She’s in her usual extremely pointy outfit with many, MANY straps and belts! She slaps on her own duel disk, and the two are sent toward the rafters on extremely convenient platforms.

How will this BASKETBALL game resolve?!

Find out nexttime on BasketBall Z!

Dun nuh neh neh, dun neh neh neh! Neeeeeeneeeeeneeeeeeeh! Dundundun!

--Mayzie-Mae Pelletier, FSPN Correspondent, Sports Writer af (“april fools”)

((Ilana IllaRouge))

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TEN 1027...?, TAL 1027...? - To Be Continued...

Bangor Tides @ Albany Alphas

Game Notes

	Q1	Q2	Q3	Q4	F
Tides	130	-130	-	?	-0
Alphas	-122	122	-	¿	-0

Officials: Archimedes #π, Euler #e, Pythagoras #c²
Arena: Farigami Park - Albany, NY

Good yonderyesterday, ladies and gentlefurs! My name is Ziggy Dunkman, and we have an exciting game of ball-go-in-basket for you! It’s the ynablA sahplA facing off the ragnoB sediT!

It’s the Bang Bang Hides off to a quick 10-0 start and the Malbury Betas suffer, as they find themselves with -10 points on the board. Each team goes back and forth scoring but remaining at the same score until Fitch Loomis is subbed in and brings them back within 4 as he brings out his loom and weaves some cloth. What fantastic technique and marveling patterns there. Nobody came loom like Loomis himself.

Quickly, the Austinville Orangutans fight back even more with a huge run that puts them up 15 to -7, and all thanks to the help off the bench from Juicy Lime and Sun-Tanner Hunt.

Things get groovy on the court as everyone on the floor fights for an additional 100 points if they win a dance battle. Tapeesa Avocado Tomato shows off some astounding moves but it’s no match against the break dance the yellow perch, Desdemoomoona goes into, rocking the crowd and earning the approval of the judges with a Golden Buzzer.

Simon: "Wow, that was incredible! You have truly taken breakdancing to the next level. You're not just a dancer, you're an artist. I can't wait to see what you have in store for us in the next round!"

Heidi: "You blew me away with your strength, agility, and creativity. Your performance was electrifying and I loved every second of it. You have a special talent and I'm so glad you shared it with us today."

Howard: "I have never seen anything like that before. You have a unique style and the way you mixed different elements of breakdancing was amazing. You are a true original and I'm excited to see what you will bring to the competition in the coming weeks."

End of Quirst Forter

-122 BLA, 130 RGB

“Why do they call it “oven” when you of in the cold food of out hot eat the food?” That’s a question I’ve been wondering about for days but it’s been answered tonight as OVEN MARSHALL knocks down a shot from full-court as a heat check! The Alfalfas need to find their way back here and defend their own court, these fans are looking distraught right now. The Tangor Bides continue to add insult to injury here in the second, scoring a bunch and mocking their opponents.

Then, out of thin air, the Omegas rally back into the game. Terry O’Toolbox shows off his massive gains with his crony… Takeya Itchypajamas Off. This brings the score within striking distance, and the fans are loving it! Look at those chiseled muscles!

Then Kashmoney Watternoos ties it simply with his dazzling looks. And it looks like Ember mini-Van Rant doesn’t like it one bit, so he opens Twitter and calls out his squad and coaching staff. This strategy is totally professional. Players need to do this more often if they want to light a fire under their team.

First of end of second-first second quarter

0 ABL, 0 BFF

Well it seems time has just gone backwards as it’s suddenly the 4th undertime. Yakyak Pratt is in a futuristic suit coming out of what seems to be a time machine. Andrew Wendy’s-Monochrome is in a wedding dress crying, running into the tunnels and leaving his groom standing at the altar. Somebody go get that runaway ‘bird’. But speaking of bird, Philip Emptyton lines up for a put and gets some silent applause from the crowd as he sinks a birdie. Let’s take a look at the replay presented by Nobody. Take a look at his fantastic form, now flaws in it at all. That puts his team one-under-par.

This game is coming to a close and it’s back to how it was in the first half, a bunch of back and forths and remaining at 0 for both teams. Lore Inns Valley-boy does the thing and this causes everyone in the stadium to also do the thing, including me! I’m doing the thing! I haven’t the slightest idea how a single furson can make everyone do the thing, but we’re doing it! And because we’re all doing the thing, the final horn sounds and the score is…

Albany Alphas -0, Bangor Tides -0

How -0 is possible? I don’t know, but that’s the end of the game. I’ve been Ziggly Dunkman, your commentator for tonight’s game. Thanks for watching folks, and have a fantastic yonderyesterday.

((Tactical Cherry))

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BGR -0, ALB -0

Pittsburgh Keystones @ Lorain Firestorm

Game Notes

	Q1	Q2	Q3	Q4	F
Keystones	Broccoloids ϟϢ	ÞЋ	ϕϠ	ÞϢ	ϟϢϾ
Firestorm	Parsnipians Þϡ	Ϣϡ	ϬЋ	Ϭϐ	ϬЋϡ

Officials: ϜϧϫϼЄϿ #ϕϟ, фϙϖϑϏϼЃЃ #Þϡ, ЏЏЏЏЏЏЏЏЏЏϮ Jr. #ϠЋ
Arena: Lorain Precinct Arena - Lorain, OH

This will forever go down as the most memorable night in FBA and likely Lorain's history! At first however...it looked like a utter disaster!

No one had packed any balls for The Keystones and Firestorm's showdown in the Precinct...What luck though! An old friend would come in to save the day! As they tried to find game balls, Space Tato emerged from the stands and secured himself in a zero-gravity orb agreeing to be the ball for tonight's game! Truly the nightshade we adore!

However Space Tato was not the only intergalactic visitor tonight...among the audience rose Parsnipians and Broccoloids, seeming to gravitate towards the Firestorm and Keystones respectively. The Broccoloids seemed rather drawn to Rebekah Huotari, akinning her to one of their great warlords of old and the Parsnipians attracted to Tyrique Kendricks and his strong yet mysterious presence. Before the teams knew it, they were suited with armor and blasters and thus began the FBA's first official game of Galactiball!

As expected, it was sheer and utter chaos. It took dozens of stray shots including several to the audience and one to Bethany Smythes' bad foot which she took...particular offense to as well as a whole quarter to learn they had to shoot the ball into the basket with the blasters and multiply their points with fancy trickshots. Pair that with the colored scoring zones and random power ups littering the court now the real show started.

What would go down would make the dunk contest look like a high school game. Each side getting wilder and wilder with the combination of tricks and combos as Space Tato was launched and rattled into the basket. Out of the gates in the second quarter, Margo Warrior taking advantage of the Lightspeed Jump, sending her to the rafters in the blink of an eye before rocketing down to the basket, making the court shake and rattle like an earthquake or the fake out dunk she tried only for Ivan Divokozic to leap up and send Space Tato through goal with a perfectly timed strike. One of their biggest spectacles however was Guillaume Fortier, going for what looked like a half-court shot only for Mikhail Vahova to take the oop and toss it right back As Guillaume hit the fullcourt line to blast a twenty point shot!

Not to say the Firestorm had no answer! The assist chain of all Lorain's guards, yes even the ones on the bench at the time thanks to the Reinforcements powerup from Teresa to Maria, to Jasmine to Pura, to Jonna to Alyssia, plink, plink, plink, and finally to Bethany...that shot from earlier ended up setting her foot right allowing her to dunk Space Tato in the goal like it was old times. By far however...Martin O'Connor surrounded by Keystones, fired at the ground making him fly up Tato in paw, setting Captain Griega up for the wild ricochet shot for a cool 25 points!

In the end, we learned the bet between the Parsnipians and Broccoloids was merely for who got the front seat on the ship for the ride home but...I think everyone walked away with a newfound appreciation for Galactiball!

I am Merrick Collins, of Clutch-Time Sports and this...this folks, you had to see this one to believe it!

((Blades da Raccoon))

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Broccoloids ϟϢϾ, Parsnipians ϬЋϡ

Huntsville Mayors @ Biloxi Voodoo

Game Notes

	Q1	Q2	Q3	Q4	F
Mayors	-	-	-	-	TBD
Venom	-	-	-	-	TBD

Officials: Ball #34, Van Dyke #42, Carson #25
Arena: Crawdad Stadium - Biloxi, MS

Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, and esteemed viewers, I am Christopher Whalen, your panda in the press, coming to you live from Blioxi where the Huntsville Mayors are taking on the Voodoo. This promises to be an exciting matchup betwe--